HogWash
by Elfyna
Summary: Although the title's irony might be lost on some of you, this humble reporter is here to bring to you every possible morsel of drama and gossip occurring at Hogwarts. The means employed for obtaining the enclosed information will not be discussed. However, I can promise you that loyalty to HogWash will be amply rewarded with shocking revelations and behind the scenes discoveries.
1. Chapter 1

_**Friendly Fire**_

This particular incident took place in the 3rd year of Harry Potter's attendance at Hogwarts, the year which muggles refer to as 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban'. What most do not know, is that a lot of events were bypassed when this muggle work was written. _A lot._ In amongst those is one which happened whilst Harry, Ron and Hermione all prepared to leave Hogwarts for Hogsmeade.

'Ouch!'

'Sorry.'

'I know you're upset about not being able to come but you don't have to get violent about it!'

'I'm not, I…'

Ron rubbed his throbbing toe, throwing Harry a well measured glare. He had begun to pack a small bag with a few snacks, and could feel his best friend's unrelenting stare boring into his neck. For Harry to be unable to go was unfair, but there was nothing he could do about that. Turning to him, Ron attempted an apologetic smile.

'I am really sorry, it sucks.'

'Well, at least you and Hermione will get some alone time.'

This was not said without a hint of slight mockery.

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Hah, don't act dumb Ron, you guys _clearly_ have something going on.'

Ignoring the blush creeping up his neck, Weasley turned his attention back to his snack bag. There was absolutely no way he was going to let on how he had started to feel. Not even a little. As if the way he felt wasn't embarrassing enough, Harry finding out would be the equivalent of being sent to the moon on a backdated Nimbus wearing only socks. Nope, definitely not a nice image.

'You couldn't be more wrong Harry; Hermione's not my type anyway, never has been and you know that.'

'What is your type then, Ron?'

His blood froze. Squeezing his eyes shut, he could picture the exact face she would be making right about now. Oh God, he'd really dug himself into a hole hadn't he. Turning around to face her, Ron put his hands up in a defensive gesture.

'I swear I didn't mean that!'

Hermione stood on the room's threshold, arms folded across her chest, looking very much like an angry cat.

'Oh, so I am your type?'

'No, just…I…'

'Save it. I don't know why I'm even surprised, it is rare for you to have a nice thing to say about me.'

'That's not true Hermione.'

'Oh yeah? Go on then.'

Swallowing hard, Ron forced himself to filter out all the thoughts clouding his mind. He had to remain on neutral ground – something too nice would ring alarms, something not nice enough would upset her even more. Ah, why were women so complicated?

'You're…you read well…'

Stifling a laugh, Hermione repeated his clumsy compliment with a hint of derision.

'I _read well_? Oh dear, you're going to remain single probably for the rest of your life.'

'I mean, you're clever!'

Ron gave himself a mental pat on the back. Yes, that was better, much better, why didn't he think of that one first?

'Tell me something I don't know.'

Oh for Heaven's sake. What did this girl want?

On her end, Hermione was thoroughly enjoying Ron's more than obvious discomfort. After all, it was so much easier to tease him than to admit her…attachment to him. Besides, she had to concentrate on her studies – frolicking about with a boy was not on her homework diary. Smiling sheepishly, she decided to put him out of his misery.

'Come on, hurry up packing and let's go to Hogsmeade. We'll make sure to bring something back for Harry too.'

With that, she all but skipped out, walking past Harry who had hid just outside the door. He flashed her a goofy smile followed by a cheeky thumbs up before walking back into the room. Today's was decidedly not Ron's day.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Draco 2.0_**

'Oi! Lil' brother! Wait up!'

Ron was on his way to the Great Hall to eat, when his twin brothers Fred and George intercepted him. Knowing this usually meant trouble, he prepared himself to completely tune out whatever they were here to say to him. Fred put his hand on his younger brother's shoulder in a comforting gesture, before asking;

'Are you getting laid?'

Ron choked on his own saliva. What was wrong with them?! Wasn't his ginger hair, old clothes and lack of Adonis-like features enough of a curse? Why add two demonic brothers to the mix?!

'That- I…What?'

George grabbed Ron's right hand and shoved a small vial of unidentifiable liquid into it.

'Listen, we all know you're looking to bag Hermione – '

'Wh – '

'Shh, sh, sh, shhhh little brother. Now listen. We all know you're looking to bag Hermione, so, we got you this. It's a potion designed to give you a little bit of _umph_. You know? Right, imagine you're standing in front of a cliff, and you want to jump off, but you lack the _umph_ to do so. Drink this, and before you know it, you'll think jumping off that cliff is the best thing which could happen to you! And bam, you jump! Understand where I'm going with this, little brother?'

'Yes, but I don't want it.'

Fred jumped in;

'Ah, you're making a mistake there.'

Ron was just about to give the vial back when he realised something. Maybe he didn't have to drink it. Maybe Hermione could…and then…and then she might reveal a deeply buried secret, one which would make him the happiest 15 year old on earth. He'd just have to find a way to get her to drink it. He was about to thank the twins when he realised that they had disappeared. Resuming his walk towards the Great Hall, he picked up his pace. If he got there before the other two, he could slip the potion into Hermione's drink and simply wait for it to kick in. All but running now, Ron pushed and shoved his way through the throng of students until he was in the Great Hall, at the trio's habitual lunching place. Knowing exactly where Hermione would sit, he unscrewed the tightly sealed vial, looking around him nervously a few times in order to make sure no one was watching. He felt a little bit like a criminal, and he liked it. How many drops would it take to do the trick? Five? Six? Or perhaps…After a few seconds of deliberation, Ron came to a decision. He couldn't go wrong if he mixed in _all_ the drops. Hurriedly filling Hermione's glass with her favourite – lemonade – he wasted no time in emptying the entire vial's content into it. Having completed his task, he sat at his spot on the table, and waited for the other two to arrive, which only took about 2 to 3 minutes.

'Hey Ron. You're early. Eager to eat?'

Ron wiped his sweaty palms on his robes before answering Harry's teasing question.

'Yeah, you know me…always ready to eat.'

'Well, I for one cannot wait to try the seafood platter. I _love_ seafood.'

Hermione punctuated her sentence with a wide smile, before reaching for the lemonade. She had already picked the jug up when she realised that her drink had already been filled. With a raise of her eyebrows, she exclaimed;

'Oh! Who filled up my glass for me?'

Ron cleared his throat before feebly raising his hand. Oh God, she was going to suss him out straight away.

'That's lovely of you Ron, thank you.'

'Yes Ron, thank you. _So nice_. How did you know my favourite beverage is _air_?'

Harry's exaggerated manners would have made Ron burst out into peals of laughter on any other given day, but not today. Today, he chuckled nervously before mumbling an apology. Harry frowned, picking up on his best friend's unusually quiet behaviour.

'Ron, is everything al – '

It was at this precise moment that Draco appeared behind Hermione, his blonde hair slicked back with an impossible amount of gel, and sporting impeccably ironed robes.

'Enjoying your food, MB?'

The use of the term 'Mudblood' always made Harry's blood boil, particularly when this was directed at Hermione.

'Back off Malfoy.'

'Ooh, coming to the rescue Potter I see. Well, what's new? Boring as ever; enjoy each other's shitty company.'

Perhaps as a way to assert his deluded authority, Draco proceeded to grab Hermione's cup and knocked back its entire contents.

Ron lost the will to live at that point. Out of all the things that could have happened, that was certainly the worst one. Perhaps closely followed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named storming the castle. Why did Lady Luck hate him so? Anxious, he watched in horror as Malfoy walked back to his group, where Crabbe and Boyle waited. How long did this thing take to kick in anyway?

Malfoy had only just sat down when his body stiffened a little, and started to tingle. Harry frowned as he saw his enemy of 4 years walk towards them once more. Sighing, he mentally prepared a slew of insults. This blonde frump was getting on his last nerve, and the year hadn't even properly started yet.

The frump in question pulled out the empty chair by Hermione's right side and sat in silence. Staring at the girl beside him, he blinked slowly. Ron began wringing his hands under the large table; it was all he could do to stop himself from letting out an anguish cry. After a few minutes of unbearable silence, Draco grasped Hermione by the shoulders and pulled her into a tight hug. Absolutely speechless, the Gryffindor know-it-all simply let him, not daring to move a single muscle in what must have been the weirdest embrace of the century. His voice was a little muffled by his prisoner's mane, but nonetheless clear enough for his words to be discernible.

'Oh, MB. I'm so sorry for calling you that. It's not very nice, is it?'

Finally pulling away, Draco contented himself with holding one of her hands in his own. Hermione, still far too stunned to react, simply stared at him with eyes as round as Umbridge's milk saucers, which would eventually come to hang in Dumbledore's office, quite some time from now.

'Say you will forgive me, please! You know, you and I should spend a little more time together. I could even teach you how to tame that bush. I use this special kind of gel…You'd like it.'

Nodding towards her hair, he continued;

'I mean, Potter is more than welcome to join us of course…And welcome to the use of the gel also. Nobody can deny that he could do with a little less chaos in his life.'

Looking from an astonished Harry to Ron, he added;

'Although, it's too late for this one…he's ginger and nothing can change that.'

Harry, having recovered his vocal abilities, remarked.

'Malfoy, cut the crap.'

'What? What crap? I must say, we did start off on the wrong foot didn't we? Let's give it another shot.'

Extending a pale hand towards Harry, he followed with;

'Hello, I'm Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. And although our friendship has suffered a great deal of pain, I wish to present my apologies.

 _Accio FraGela_!

I hope that you will take this as a long overdue peace offering.'

A neon blue pot of gel came flying in from a direction known only to Draco, and settled on the table in front of Harry. Had he not experienced waking up this morning, the young wizard would have definitely been convinced that this whole thing was nothing but a dream. Hermione faced Malfoy, and asked;

'What's going on? You're not yourself! Is this some kind of weird sick plan? What's in the tub Malfoy?'

Draco sighed, before reaching out for the pot and opening it, displaying its content for the world to see.

'Look, it's harmless gel. As for me, I have never been more…me. I feel at peace with myself, in a way I haven't for a long time. I feel like…I can finally…'

The Slytherin student leaned in, causing the rest of them to do the same. His voice dropped to a whisper, and to everyone's surprise, he confessed.

'Guys…I think I'm _gay_.'

That did it. Harry burst out laughing. Draco was definitely on something, and it was absolutely _glorious_. Hermione fought to keep a giggle in too, whilst Ron remained white as a sheet.

'You're not gay, Malfoy.'

'Aren't i? Have you ever seen me with a girl? All I ever do is hang around Crabbe and Boyle whilst whining about – '

Draco's abrupt stop compelled Harry to prompt him for more.

'About what Draco?'

'No, this is too embarrassing.'

'If you don't tell us then we can't help you.'

No stranger to Harry's tricks, Hermione shot him a glare before saying;

'It's okay Malfoy, you don't have to tell us.'

She had sensed that the usually cunning and mean Draco had been put under some sort of spell. It would be unfair to take advantage of that, however awful he was.

'But you want to don't you?'

Before Harry could extract the truth out of him, a Hufflepuff student interrupted their little whisper convention.

'Is everything alright? Is Draco troubling you?'

The latter sat up, before smiling in a conspiratory manner at the newcomer.

'Ah yes, this is great! Listen, um...'

The Slytherin student coughed loudly before glancing around, looking for all the world like a shifty criminal. Seemingly satisfied, he turned his attention back to the frowning Hufflepuff.

'Yo, I hear Hufflepuffs have the best kind, want to slip me some? My father can pay you double the asking price!'

 _Drugs_? First a friend, then gay, and now drugs? What the hell had his brothers given to him? Ron wanted nothing more than to kick Draco's green ass out of the Hall, away from prying eyes, but he found himself bound to his chair in absolute mortification. Meanwhile, Draco continued attempting to buy illegal substances from what they all now realised was a prefect.

'Right. Enough. You're coming with me.'

Without warning, Malfoy's head made undeniable contact with the table, and within seconds, could be heard snoring rather loudly. The prefect, thinking that this was a poor attempt at escaping detention, yelled himself hoarse. Unfortunately, it seemed that the Slytherin boy was out cold, and was later carried to the infirmary so as to make sure nothing was dreadfully wrong with him.

Hermione turned to Ron, who had regained a considerable amount of colour in his cheeks.

'Ron.'

The poor boy, who hadn't said a word during the entire affair found himself beginning to yet again sweat profusely. She knew.

'Thanks again for the drink.'

Harry interrupted;

'Forget the drink, I want to know what happened to Draco 2.0!'

With that, the trio headed to the infirmary, and were relieved if not a little happy to find the old Draco back and more than ready to make their lives miserable once again.


End file.
